Where to start, where to start?

Hello, friends. It’s been more than two months since my last confessions… 😀

I actually do **really think** that this time, my blog is back for good.

A lot has happened recently. It’s hard for me to even begin to put it all in a sequence, or to try and make sense of it all. Suffice to say, it’s been nigh on impossible for me to think straight enough to actually blog.

I handed in my notice in work today. I’m not going to go in to detail here, at least for the forseeable future, so if you want to know, email me privately. The company I work for have been wonderful to me, very supportive through my illness, but various circumstances recently have made it impossible for me to continue working there. The decision to leave was very painful for me, but I think essential.

So, this evening, I’m feeling a bit ambivalent, to be honest. My wee ebay business is going from strength to strength- long may it last. It’s going to be paying the bills from now on, and that both excites and terrifies me!

I’m really looking forward to spending more time with my kids. Ricky is absolutely DISGUSTED that he still has to go to primary school while me and Robbie will be at home. I have tried to explain to him why it’s necessary, but I think, although he really enjoys school, he sees it as some kind of punishment!

I’ve just got back from an absolutely wonderful three day trip to London with my Aunt- definitely a post about that coming up in the next few days!

I do have a lot- an awful lot- to write about at the minute. I leave work at the end of November- the whole “blog therapy” thing will no doubt be invaluable to me around then!

Blogging might be a little bit intermittent over the next week or two, and I will have to work hard to get back to speed with those of you whose blogs I read. I cannot begin to tell you how much I have missed all of my blog friends- I hope you might still have a place for me.

Before I go, there are a few people I want to send shouts out to.

Firstly, regular reader Emma C has just had her first baby, a gorgeous wee girl called Kitty! Congratulations Emma!

Secondly, equally regular reader Emma G has announced her second pregnancy! Woohoo! Emma G has been massively supportive to me, and gives the best advice ever. She should seriously consider charging for her services. 😛

Thirdly, can I publicly thank my friend The Taoist Biker for sending me some truly fantabulous CD’s for my car. They are as long and varied as they are enjoyable, and have been on constant play ever since!!

Finally, you might remember that a while ago, my friend Kristi found out that her beautiful daughter Gabriella needed a new heart. Very sadly, Gabriella recently suffered a stroke. She’s making absolutely incredible progress, but the whole family is constantly in my thoughts. If you have a few minutes, head over to Kristi’s website to read the whole story and marvel at this incredible little girl and her strong will to fight back.

More to come in a few days!

Treading Water

I haven’t been feeling quite as bad with this cycle of chemo, probably because of the 20% reduction of dose that they were compelled to implement.

I certainly haven’t had the complete brain-gnawing depression which typified the first week to two weeks of the previous cycles, and I am very, very grateful for that. It is by far the hardest side effect to deal with. If you even read back through my blog posts over one cycle, you can easily see when I am feeling that way.

As someone who has never suffered from depression, it’s been a total revelation, and a hard hitting one at that. I will be totally honest. When someone I know and love has suffered from depression in the past (not just feeling a bit low, but clinically depressed) I’ve outwardly been sympathetic, but internally have found myself filled with irritation and impatience. WHY can’t they pull themselves together?

So- finding myself in that boat has come as something of a shock. Some days, I have been very withdrawn. I haven’t wanted to talk to anyone. I’ve been totally aware that the feelings aren’t normal, but can’t do anything about them. And this is coming from someone with a degree in psychology, lol!

When the depression lifts, I feel almost euphoric- it’s the most peculiar thing.

I feel bad, very bad, for my previous attitude (however internalised it may have been) towards friends who have been depressed. I’ll never have those feelings again.

When I feel down- this is what I try and visualise to myself. It might sound very bizarre, but helps me relax.

I picture myself in the sea, slightly out of my depth, on a still day, with a sunny sky, mountains around me and rocks to either side. It won’t come as a surprise to most of you who know me to find out that the place I’m thinking about is in Donegal. 🙂 In my daydream, I am treading water peacefully, with no past, present or future. I am just immersed in the moment.

The activity in my daydream is a favourite summer pursuit…or at least was pre-child. It doesn’t seem fair to leave Ian on the shore with the kids these days whilst I daydream in the water.

The daydream feels golden and warm. I think that is why it gives me peace, and seems to ease the depression somewhat.

I feel very grateful that the depression I feel is temporary and drug induced. I am so blessed.