All kinds of shallow

The further I go into this chemotherapy, the more shallow it makes me feel. I had never realised how self obsessed I must be, when I was happily drifting along in pre cancer life. Fair enough, I’m not the kind of person who checks themselves out every time I pass a mirror. It’s about all I can do to apply makeup before I go to work in the mornings, and that’s mainly so I don’t Gorgon-esque transform my colleagues to stone when they see me without. πŸ˜€

OK- the hair thing I dealt with. You were all there. There was much wailing and gnashing of teeth beforehand, but when it came to it, I knuckled down and did what I had to do. And I did so with a great big flipping smile on my face for the camera.

The weight thing SUCKS. I do have a weight problem, but this is ridiculous. My ass is getting to the “so big, it can be seen from anywhere in the world” category. Seriously. For those of you in the States, my ass will soon be casting “Independence Day” type shadows over NYC. I don’t have the energy to diet during chemo, and the hospital tell me that a lot of the weight is certainly water retention. I am thinking of making them sign some kind of contract to that effect. Once the chemo is over, it’s steamed fish and veggies for me, until my ass retracts its way across the Atlantic and some sun and rain can get through again. πŸ˜€

BUT- can someone PLEASE explain why it did not occur to me that my eyelashes and eyebrows would fall out? Or that this would somehow be even more upsetting than the rest of it?

I am left with a few tiny, short eyelashes. Upon contact with mascara, they clump together defiantly. They will not cooperate. This is a massive pain in the massive ass. I am also sure that what I have left will soon be gone. Eyebrows I can live without. It’s amazing what you can do with makeup!

Should I go for falsies? Would it look ridiculous? Do I have the moral fibre required to learn to apply them? Would they go the way of the wig (I sold both of them on ebay for a tidy profit last week!!!!)?

Lastly- and if you’re easily offended, don’t even begin to bother with the below clip- Ian and I were watching Little Britain last night, and I was half laughing, half crying at the sketch of Bubbles De Vere doing a strip tease for the hapless manager of the health spa. Laughing because it’s just so ridiculous, crying because seriously, I am not all that far behind her these days, and WISH I had her self confidence…. πŸ˜€

Below link is NOT SAFE FOR WORK, unless like me you work with a bunch of smutty men who find this kind of thing hilarious. It’s almost guaranteed to offend someone, so if you are that someone, I apologise!

15 Responses to “All kinds of shallow”

  1. December 9, 2008 at 6:24 pm

    Oh, seriously, don’t worry about it. I think you’re actually lucky to have an appetite bc a lot of people lose theirs during chemo. And that’s what’s keeping you strong. That water weight will go away quite quickly.

    And I love false lashes. Sometimes I just wear a tiny clump of them right on the ends of my eyes to give some effect. You can probably find some rather short more “normal” looking ones to wear. They’re really not that hard to apply after you try a couple of times!

    I have a bit of appetite, but the amount of weight I’ve gained would make you think I sit shovelling food into me all day, which isn’t the case.

    I must look into the more “normal” falsies!

  2. December 9, 2008 at 8:31 pm

    I wish I had the right words, Suzy. I don’t know a thing about false eyelashes, I’d probably break out from the glue! Even eyelash curlers kinda freak me out. But I can wear mascara and contact lenses and they don’t bother me at all. Go figure. I’d probably miss my eyebrows more because I wear them a little thick.

    You can also do great things with make-up to accomodate for the loss of your eyelashes. Instead of mascara or falsies (if you find you don’t like them), try liquid eyeliner very thin on the top lid and see what you think. Liquid eyeliner is hard to get right and you have to practice with it a little bit, but it might be an alternative.

    Your ass is not keeping the snow and the rain from falling down here, so I wouldn’t worry about THAT either. πŸ˜‰

    You always have the right words, silly! πŸ™‚

    Actually, liquid eyeliner might be the answer- I hadn’t thought of that. I’ve discovered that false hair isn’t really me, so it might do the job! I’ll buy some and get going!

  3. December 9, 2008 at 10:19 pm

    Big hugs, Suzy. You know, I hadn’t thought about it either, but I do think that losing my eyelashes would be harder for me than losing my hair. If it were me, I’d probably look into false lashes, but if you aren’t into the fake hair thing, then eyeliner might be the thing to concentrate on.

    Much love!

    I’m buying the eyeliner tomorrow and will try it out for my work do tomorrow night!!

  4. 4 Bernadette
    December 9, 2008 at 10:24 pm

    Stop worrying about the weight Suzy – if you are able to take and enjoy your food then why not do so.
    If you are thinking of using liquid (water based) eyeliner just use a very fine brush -to get a very light fine line. Let me know if you want a brush. I use ultra fine sable tipped brushes for art and will be delighted to let you have some – (never used), ideal for applying eyeliner as I have found out.
    xxx and ((hugs))

    Thanks for the tip! I hadn’t thought of using an art brush. I am making a trip to the Lancome counter tomorrow…thanks for the offer!

  5. December 9, 2008 at 10:36 pm

    β€œIndependence Day type shadows over NYC”

    It HAS been cloudy here on the east coast, but it is in the afternoon, so it can’t be coming from your direction.

    Wishing you the best.

    It’s only a matter of time, I’m telling ya….

  6. December 10, 2008 at 12:16 am

    (((HUGS))), Suzy! I know that the weight, on top of everything else, is just almost too much to handle. But I do think it is helping to keep you strong, if that makes sense. Lots of green tea once you’re done with the chemo, and that water weight should come right off.

    As to the lashes, I’d give both the liquid liner and falsies a try. Experiment – you might come out of this with a whole new look!

    And that clip was hilarious! Reminded me not of you, but of ME!!! *hahaha*

    I hope the next few days are better for you…

    I didn’t know about the green tea- I will try it, thanks Karen!

  7. 7 Leigh
    December 10, 2008 at 1:04 am

    Right !! some dramatic transformation has obviously occured and I only saw you a week ago !! Last I saw you you looked gorgeous as always, glam, confident and with your head held high. The only difference is you have had a dose of chemo that has knocked you for six, a few more days and you ‘ll be right back up again, secure in the knowledge that you lost a little ass perspective ( it was no bigger than mine the last I saw it which makes me a little concerned that I have been blocking out sunlight inadvertently !!??). I must be desperately shallow too because I wouldnt have coped with any of the hair loss with as much vigour and valour as you did, I have a big monthly mascara spend, so eyelashes and brows going would hugely upset me and most women- give yourself a break, you are not one bit shallow. Falsies are definitely worth a try, I have used them myself .Take care of yourself , come and see us soon when you’re feeling a little better, we are long overdue that drink we go on about , loads of Adamson love coming at you as always. L xxxx

    LOL, your ass is a LOT smaller than mine!!! πŸ˜€ Definitely have to get out for that drink…

  8. December 10, 2008 at 10:48 am

    Sweetheart, I just don’t know how to comment, I have searched and found a poem (from someone who is far more literate than myself). I don’t know your friends, or see you on a daily basis, but I can guarentee you that this is whatevery one sees in you. You WILL get through this, YOU WILL grow hair again, YOU WILL lose weight, AND YOU WILL BE STRONGER AFTER ALL THIS AWFUL TIME YOU ARE GOING THROUGH. Love always xxx

    Girl in the mirror

    i look at the girl in the mirror
    and i see someone beautiful
    a precious gem a reflection of beauty
    i look into myown brown eyes
    and i see strength
    where there’s strength there’s beauty

    i look at the girl in the mirror
    and i see who i used to be
    but then i see how i’ve changed
    i see how much i’ve grown
    how much i’ve matured
    how i grew more confidence
    how i’m no longer afraid
    to look at the girl in the mirror

    i look at the girl in the mirror
    in my eyes
    my reflection shows no less
    than pure perfection
    i look at the girl int the mirror
    and i’m proud of what i’ve become

    malika giddens

    Heidi, you’re one in a million…thank you for this beautiful poem. You are one very special woman. ((hugs))

  9. 9 Valerie
    December 10, 2008 at 3:54 pm

    Suzy- I dont blame you one bit for being upset you have no eyebrows or lashes! It sounds like great advice on here! Let us know how it goes… as for being dark over here in New York I have been watching the news and nothing on there about it being dark becuase of large shadow! I assure you there are alot bigger people then you and you are not big. Its hard gaining weight but with it being water weight the minute you start losing it it will be off in no time! (I gained 40lbs water weight with Jonathan) Just think of how you will feel when its all done and over. No more sickness, growing hair back, you will lose tons of weight within a couple weeks! You will be a whole new woman and the world will have to watch out!

    I love your positive attitude, Val! I will have to work on it, but everything you said is right- thank you. ((hugs))

  10. 10 Valerie
    December 10, 2008 at 3:56 pm

    by the way the clip is hillarious! I watched it at work when everyone was outin the shop and I was laughing so hard I thought someone was going to come see what was up!

    Glad you liked it!! πŸ˜€

  11. December 10, 2008 at 4:41 pm

    Dys says her grandmother was actually most upset by the eyelashes and eyebrows too, so you’re definitely not alone!

    It’s just a case of “every time you think you look unattractive, something else goes wrong” πŸ˜€

  12. December 12, 2008 at 7:42 pm

    Suzy, I am so sorry for what you’re going through. My mother has a chronic illness and occasionally has to have chemotherapy – and I love her to death and respect her struggle but trust me, comparatively, you are NOT being shallow, in the slightest.

    Also, this post made me LAUGH. Your ass can’t possibly be as big as you say, but it still gave me a good chuckle.

    The only thing I can say is that you’ve got to remember that this whole thing is temporary. The chemotherapy will be over someday (someday soon, if I’m not mistaken) and all your various kinds of hair will grow back. The doctors almost definitely got all the life-threatening bits, and all that’s left is wonderful you.


    BTW, I think you should flaunt it and get giant neon-pink falsies, the kind that strippers wear.

    So sorry to hear that your mother hasn’t been well. I hope she’ll be doing better soon.

    I may look into the neon pink falsies thing… πŸ˜€

  13. 13 Angela
    December 16, 2008 at 3:12 am

    Love you much Suzy! *HUGS* And, that clip was HILARIOUS!! πŸ™‚

    Thanks Angela!! I miss your blog- what happened with that??

  14. 14 Angela
    December 17, 2008 at 10:28 pm

    It’s gone. You’ll have to email me and I’ll give you the scoop.

    OK, will do- miss you.

  15. 15 Skry
    December 19, 2008 at 10:50 am

    Sorry to hear about your eyelashes. I know what you mean about the water retention though: my broken arm has swollen up and with every day it seems to be getting bigger and bigger!

    Today I realised that if I squeeze my palm and the back of my hand at the same time, the liquid has to go somewhere and I can feel it running into the top of my fingers. Eeew!! It’s a gross feeling but the worse thing is that it makes a wee sound when it does it 😯

    Until you sit down and feel your bum running into the top of your legs with a slushy sound to boot, I think you can focus on more important issues πŸ˜‰

    The pics you posted on facebook were terrible- I am so sorry you’re so badly hurt! 😦

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