Well, this pretty much SUCKS

Ugh, chemotherapy has got OLD. I’ve been feeling really unwell for the past nearly-week, since getting my second dose of FEC on Tuesday. I wasn’t too sick until Friday, but have been feeling as rough as the proverbial badger’s arse ever since.

I do feel a little better this evening, but it’s a slow road. The chemo definitely has affected me psychologically too. It was the same in the first cycle- I felt very uncharacteristically down in the dumps for about a week. I absolutely hate feeling depressed (not that anyone LIKES it, you know what I mean!), and this is really new territory to me. I hope it will be like last cycle and I’ll start to feel mentally stronger soon.

I think one of the compounding factors was on Friday night, I took a shower, and SOOO much hair came out. Sure, it’s been falling out a lot, but about half of what I had left came out. I’m left with weird patchy clumps everywhere, and it looks horrendous. I cried my eyes out- how pathetic am I- and can’t face looking at it now. I’ve been wearing a headscarf permanently, and can’t bear the thought of anyone seeing my head. It’s weird when I thought I was OK with short hair- but short hair and complete baldness are apparently two very different things as far as my brain are concerned. I actually think it will be easier to deal with once the hair is all gone. But for now, it’s hard.

Yesterday was also the first anniversary of my Mum’s death. Ian looked after the kids and the rest of us went out for lunch to one of my Mum’s favourite restaurants, The Cuan in Strangford, before going to her grave. It was THE most revolting day, bucketing with rain, as if my Mum was giving off stink for being dead!!ย Wonderful family friend and regular commenter here, Bernadette McP, had very kindly come all the way from Trim in Co. Meath on Friday to do flowers for Mum’s grave. Bernadette, they are absolutely stunning and I can’t tell you how touched we are by them. You are truly a very special woman and a great friend.

I miss my Mum terribly, especially when I’ve been so sick. She was a doctor, and would have been filled with advice for me. Maybe though, when she’d been so sick herself, it would have just been too much for her to bear. I know she is at peace.

I have no doubt that soon, I’ll feel better again. Days like this though, you can feel the weeks and months stretching out ahead of you, and wonder if you’ll ever feel back to normal again. It’s the thought of brighter times ahead that are making me keep my eye on the prize.

The prize my eye is on, apart obviously from being cancer free, is a family break to the house in Donegal at Easter. Maybe by then I will be through the chemo and radiotherapy, and will be back on the road to being Suzy as we all know her, once again!

Thanks for reading my self-indulgent moan- if you got this far, you get a special cyber Gold Star! ๐Ÿ˜€


19 Responses to “Well, this pretty much SUCKS”

  1. October 26, 2008 at 8:50 pm

    Hi… hang in there…

    I had an emotional few days at a set point, during each treatment of my A/C chemo. I even made my boyfriend schedule a trip so he would be away while I was scheduled to be nauseous, but home when I was scheduled to be depressed. I needed more help when depressed.

    It doesn’t make it any easier that cancer is a dang good reason to be a bit down. I took advantage of the good weeks as much as possible, and just tried to keep my head above water, the other times.

    My thoughts are with you. (I’ve just started reading your blog recently from the chemotherapy tag.)

    Thanks so much for your lovely comment- I really, really appreciate it! Everything you’re saying makes sense…thanks again. **runs off to check out your blog!**

  2. October 26, 2008 at 9:26 pm

    Hon, have no words of wisdom, or anything i can add, just that I think you are wonderful and you are not alone. I am sending a great big hug xxx

    I know I’m not alone- you’re wonderful, Heidi! I know so very many people in the world have it soo much worse than me. Hugs back to you, thinking about you loads. xxx

  3. October 26, 2008 at 9:31 pm

    Suzy – hang in there, you’re doing so well. Think how strong you were about cutting all your hair so short. This is a hard step, but try to see it as one on the way to recovery – kind of getting worse before it gets better?!?!

    This time I’m sending you some virtual garlic, onion and cumin bread to go with the batch I made for real yesterday – should go nicely with some applewood smoked!


    Goodness, Jennie, you’re a one-woman production line- PLEASE post that recipe on your blog because it sounds to die for! Thanks for the positive thoughts! xx

  4. 4 Emma C
    October 26, 2008 at 9:57 pm

    Your mum would be so proud of you and for thinking of her wellbeing ahead of your own needs.

    Thanks Emma…it’s hard for me to know. I hope so.

  5. 5 Bernadette McPolin
    October 26, 2008 at 10:21 pm

    Don’t be afraid of the down days Suzy, you are dealing with them in an amazing way and with courage that your mum would be so proud of. If keeping us up to date here on how you are feeling – good or not so good, is helping you, then I say go for it – we are all with you here, very much so. XXX and (((hugs)))

    Thanks Bernadette- I guess it is therapy of sorts!

  6. October 26, 2008 at 10:41 pm

    Oh, sweet girl, I wish I could make you feel better and I know I’m not alone in that. Have you noticed that even though you’re feeling crummy, your strong spirit is coming through in your words? Because it is.

    Thanks Heather- I really don’t feel it, but thanks! ๐Ÿ˜€

  7. October 27, 2008 at 3:53 am

    Hugs for you, sweetie.

    Thanks, Shannon…

  8. 8 Jenny
    October 27, 2008 at 7:32 am

    Aw Suzy, sorry to read that you are having a tough time. Your mum’s anniversary would be bad enough without chemo side effects at the same time, so it’s no wonder you are feeling sad and low right now.

    I can’t imagine what it’s like to have hair falling out, but maybe it’ll be easier once it’s all out rather than patchy. I do hope so. If it helps any, I was at the garden centre earlier today and a girl in front of me had no hair but was wearing a very jaunty pink headscarf, and she looked great. I wouldn’t venture to guess what caused her baldness, as it’s impossible to tell just by looking at somebody, but maybe she’s in your position. I bet you can rock a headscarf just as well as you rock the Sinead O’Connor look ๐Ÿ™‚

    My remaining hair hurts, for some reason, and seems like it is being burnt by the drugs. I’ll be sort of glad when it’s gone!

  9. 9 Jenny
    October 27, 2008 at 7:35 am

    PS I hadn’t realised that the Cuan was one of your mum’s favourite restaurants. I’m pretty sure (not knowing Strangford well at all) that that’s where your dad took us for lunch the day after her funeral. It certainly does do lovely food – I can see why she liked it! I hope you at least got a nice lunch there, even if the weather was grim.

    Lunch was lovely and I do think it was there that you guys went!

  10. October 27, 2008 at 3:34 pm

    Suzy, you must *never* feel bad for complaining and for feeling bad. After all, you are the Queen, and you are entitled. ๐Ÿ™‚ I am sorry you are feeling so down, although I suspect that it’s completely normal.

    The hair thing would have me all in knots to, as I’ve said before. But you ROCK the look, though…

    I wish I were there to hold your hand. Your mum would be so proud of you – the strong woman who is beating this thing!

    Love you LOTS, and wishing a better day for you!!!

    Thanks Karen…you’re a great friend… xxx

  11. October 27, 2008 at 4:28 pm

    So sorry that you have to deal with the one-two punch of the chemo and the anniversary of your mom’s passing. But everybody has their down days, and you’ve certainly earned the right to mope a little bit lately!

    I’m sure you’ll have lots more rocky days to come, unfortunately, but as Heather said even when you’re grumping you have this strength peeking through. That strength is what’ll carry you even when you don’t think it can.

    Hope you feel better soon.

    I do feel a bit better. I’m feckin’ HERCULES!!!!!!! ๐Ÿ˜›

  12. October 27, 2008 at 5:52 pm

    Let those boys jump on you for a while…grab them and hug them tight. They are amazing medicine!

    They are amazing, you’re right! They keep me going!

  13. October 27, 2008 at 5:56 pm

    my heart is hurting for you Suzy, and please never think of yourself as, “pathetic” you are so not. I can simply not imagine the emotional rollar coaster you are on. I can hardly handle thinking of it, let alone living it.
    Much love for you, my dear. I hope you are feeling a bit better today.

    I feel a bit better today. Thanks Corey.

  14. October 27, 2008 at 10:35 pm

    Many, many hugs. I’m sorry you have to go through any of this. But, I know you’re strong and you will get through all of this. And I can’t wait to see your pics from next Easter. I love your pretty green pics!

    I hope to get some good pics! ๐Ÿ˜‰

  15. 15 Skry
    October 27, 2008 at 11:56 pm

    Big hugs flying your way from down under, Sooz x x x

    Sorry that everything has seemingly hit you at once. I can’t believe it’s been a year… I’m sure there are big hugs flying your way from up above too.

    Stay strong and I’m sure you’ll be in Donegal this Easter looking back at all of this as a distant memory.

    If you want to take your mind off things for a bit, think about what the kids are gonna dress up as this Hallowe’en! I’m sure Robbie would make a great pirate ๐Ÿ˜€

    Robbie is going to be the cutest pumpkin ever. Marty and Brian bought him the most adorable outfit. I can barely wait till Friday! Do they do Hallowe’en in NZ??

  16. October 28, 2008 at 3:36 am

    big hugs Suzy ๐Ÿ˜ฆ I hope you are feeling better!!!

    Thanks Em! xxx

  17. 17 Nikkie
    October 28, 2008 at 8:59 pm

    Suzy I am so sorry you are having such a hard day today. You will feel better again, and someday, *someday* this will be all worth it!! I wish I could be there to give you a big old hug. Keep your chin up!!

    Nikkie, you’re very right! Thank you!

  18. 18 Sarah McBride
    October 29, 2008 at 8:23 pm

    Hey you, hope by now things are improving a bit, and your mood has lifted. Hope you don’t end up in hospital again, that would bring anyone down. I know your mum’s anniversary has hit you hard, but she would have been proud, you know that.

    I have some info for you from work that has hints and help in it, I’ll give it to Brian and he can pass it on. Donegal will be soooo fun come Easter you’ll be back to your old self waaay before that ((hugs))

    Thanks Sarah! I hope we can meet up soon- I bet Zoe is massive, it must be about six months since I saw you! xxx

  19. November 2, 2008 at 3:53 am

    Yo, Suze ~ Anne from the Breastcancer.org site posting in. You see, you started this terrific board thread over there and your photo is just so fetching that we all wondered where you went. It is the best girl party and we are all feeling down in the dumps and helping with the side effects and hospital stays and the mental disorientation and all that you are feeling. But anyway moaning is one way to get on the road to getting some love which we all need!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! P.S. I am glad your Dad is there for you, so is mine, I lost my glasses and was crying in a puddle and he found them for me.

    Annie, thanks- I went over there and posted, sorry for not being over there so much! I am always losing my glasses too…and then you can’t see to find them, isn’t it the worst! ๐Ÿ˜€

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