Archive for October 26th, 2008


Well, this pretty much SUCKS

Ugh, chemotherapy has got OLD. I’ve been feeling really unwell for the past nearly-week, since getting my second dose of FEC on Tuesday. I wasn’t too sick until Friday, but have been feeling as rough as the proverbial badger’s arse ever since.

I do feel a little better this evening, but it’s a slow road. The chemo definitely has affected me psychologically too. It was the same in the first cycle- I felt very uncharacteristically down in the dumps for about a week. I absolutely hate feeling depressed (not that anyone LIKES it, you know what I mean!), and this is really new territory to me. I hope it will be like last cycle and I’ll start to feel mentally stronger soon.

I think one of the compounding factors was on Friday night, I took a shower, and SOOO much hair came out. Sure, it’s been falling out a lot, but about half of what I had left came out. I’m left with weird patchy clumps everywhere, and it looks horrendous. I cried my eyes out- how pathetic am I- and can’t face looking at it now. I’ve been wearing a headscarf permanently, and can’t bear the thought of anyone seeing my head. It’s weird when I thought I was OK with short hair- but short hair and complete baldness are apparently two very different things as far as my brain are concerned. I actually think it will be easier to deal with once the hair is all gone. But for now, it’s hard.

Yesterday was also the first anniversary of my Mum’s death. Ian looked after the kids and the rest of us went out for lunch to one of my Mum’s favourite restaurants, The Cuan in Strangford, before going to her grave. It was THE most revolting day, bucketing with rain, as if my Mum was giving off stink for being dead!! Wonderful family friend and regular commenter here, Bernadette McP, had very kindly come all the way from Trim in Co. Meath on Friday to do flowers for Mum’s grave. Bernadette, they are absolutely stunning and I can’t tell you how touched we are by them. You are truly a very special woman and a great friend.

I miss my Mum terribly, especially when I’ve been so sick. She was a doctor, and would have been filled with advice for me. Maybe though, when she’d been so sick herself, it would have just been too much for her to bear. I know she is at peace.

I have no doubt that soon, I’ll feel better again. Days like this though, you can feel the weeks and months stretching out ahead of you, and wonder if you’ll ever feel back to normal again. It’s the thought of brighter times ahead that are making me keep my eye on the prize.

The prize my eye is on, apart obviously from being cancer free, is a family break to the house in Donegal at Easter. Maybe by then I will be through the chemo and radiotherapy, and will be back on the road to being Suzy as we all know her, once again!

Thanks for reading my self-indulgent moan- if you got this far, you get a special cyber Gold Star! 😀


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