Still working on this…

I didn’t have such a good day today. I stupidly did something I said I wasn’t going to do, and looked at some searches on the internet and some of the sites recommended in literature I’d been given.

I ended up feeling washed out and upset. It’s strange too- every last feeling of tiredness or mild ache anywhere and you suddenly find youself wondering if it’s a symptom! Personally, I blame the kids for keeping me awake last night! 🙂

One of those sites in particular (as recommended by the oncology department, I might add) made me feel so depressed about what is going on and I actually feel really pissed off with them, because what I’ve read since makes it look like they are really concentrating on the negatives. I am planning on using a positive attitude as part of my bid to get over this, so it really annoys me that they ONLY seem to be giving the “bad bits”, where other sites give a lot more information beyond the “first five year” prognosis.

I did find some sites which had a lot more to offer in terms of practical advice and I feel better this evening. Plus my lovely neighbour Lynn invited me in and gave me a shoulder to cry on (not literally, she more supplied me with a vodka and coke and didn’t dance round the issue!!)

My bothers Marty and Brian took the boys out this afternoon for us, which was wonderful, and Ian and I went for a rare lunch together at Balloo House. We went there for our anniversary back in April and had been dying to go back ever since. The meal was lovely! We had a great time and I think we needed that time by ourselves with no phones ringing and me not applying my OCD streak to the internet!

I have done a lot more reading today and realise that I know absolutely nothing of what is to come. I have a grasp of the basics now though, I think. I reckon I need to take a few deep breaths now.

My friend Cheri wrote to me and told me to take it one day at a time. I never thought of myself as needing to apply that principle to my life, but I realise now just how true it is. I’ve felt absolutely fine all week, emotionally, but I need to accept that some of the time I am going to hit bumps on the road.

I am so, so fortunate to have so many people rooting for me, both online and around me. Some of my very best friends are people online who I have never met, and a lot of my non-web best friends are scattered around the world now. My family and friends have been wonderful, including my work who are some of the best guys ever, and who haven’t been “weird” with me at all, which was a big concern for me.

So, for now it would appear that most of the time I will want to get on with it, and some of the time I will need to have a panic attack. Bloody women, eh?!!

8 Responses to “Still working on this…”

  1. August 2, 2008 at 10:41 pm

    This is a part of that 10 day thing we were talking about. This is where your brain gets tested. Being busy with visits and appointment keep your mind active and on the go…Now that the dust has settled, you are goign to run into some mental issues.

    The internets aren’t the best place to “roam” when in this state of mind.

  2. August 3, 2008 at 2:02 am

    *hugs* The one day at a time advice is good. And being as positive as possible, really does help.

    And when all else fails, a good therapist never hurts either.

  3. 3 Jenny
    August 3, 2008 at 2:03 am

    The internet is a great source of information at times, and a great source of confusion and misinformation at others. If we had relied purely on the net, we would never have moved to New Zealand – far too many scare stories about emigration gone wrong! – so don’t let those sites scare you too much. If you an find some support groups for women going through what you’re going through right now, that might be a better idea than spending too much time on the medical sites. At least there are other people who know exactly how you must be feeling right now.

    If you find yourself unable to tear yourself away from the net and want a distraction, feel free to come up with some suggestions for us to make that awful brown kitchen fit to live in! It looks like we won’t have the money to replace it straight away, so we’ll need to live with what’s there for the next few months at least.

    I’m glad you had a nice meal out, and have so much practical support from people who are near you. All we can do from here is talk – we can’t really *do* much – but you know we’re here anyway.

  4. August 3, 2008 at 3:21 am

    More hugs, Suzy! The internet can be a blessing and a curse at the same time, for sure.

    You have one of the best attitudes (about everything) of anyone I know, and I am confident that it’s one of the things that will get you through this victoriously. That being said, you are bound to have rough days too. And that’s ok! That’s when you lean on the people around you (or virtually around you) to hold you up.

    I’m glad you had a lunch date with Ian today!

    Much love…

  5. August 4, 2008 at 3:56 am

    So glad you got to have a nice meal out. You deserve it, mama!

  6. 6 Skry
    August 4, 2008 at 4:07 am

    Aww Sooz, the internet’s a Pandora’s box. Hope you still don’t feel too down about what you were reading.

    Try to focus on the positives, like the fact you’ve caught it early. Don’t go taking web sites at face value. Like Jenny says, we would never have come to NZ if we’d read and believed everything we heard about the country.

    Now shut down your computer and pour yourself a vodka and coke. You know you deserve it 😀


    P.S. If you need to fill your time I can highly recommend buying the Sharpe series. We got it yesterday and spent until 3am watching it! Should have been in work at 7:30am and didn’t make it in til 9am :O

    Apparently Sean Bean is good TV eye candy, so my wife told me. Several times. While drooling.

    Might destroy the DVD’s when I get home…

  7. August 4, 2008 at 11:26 pm

    much love to you Suzy. I have no doubt that your emotions will be a rollar coaster ride. I’m just so glad you know we are all here for you no matter what.

  8. 8 Donovan
    August 5, 2008 at 4:47 am

    Hi Suzy,

    Just heard from Skry. I hope you’re doing ok, I’ll be beaming across vibes of support from Aotearoa.


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August 2008
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